Thank you for reading. Have you found yourself in the place I have been, worrying about what others are doing around you or wondering if God will take care of you? If so, I do recommend reading the passage from Romans. I also recommend Psalm 37:1-6.
Everyone who knows me knows that fall is my favorite time of year. I love the colder weather, longer nights, the sights and smells. I love the chili and cornbread; the hot chocolate. I love the crunchy, colorful leaves, and I especially love football!
However, until today, I have yet to really enjoy it this year. Not only because we haven’t had a lot of real fall days yet, but also because I have been battling so much anxiety and self image issues lately.
I have had struggles as of late, especially at my workplace – which is unfortunate because I work at a church. But I am doing a job I am not very good at and that leaves me feeling hollow. And, things have been occurring there that challenge integrity, also unfortunate at a church.
Outside of work, I love my life. I live in a cute little duplex, my safe haven from the world. I have great friends, and a church family that loves me. And, I have started a small independent publishing and creative design company with a friend called AngelInk Illuminations. We have made sales, especially of our e-books, which is great. This is the direction I want my career to go: writing, speaking and mentoring.
Last week, though, I was reminded of a small obstacle I have in that regard: I have a very slight struggle with dyslexia. It is embarrassing for me as a writer when someone points it out to me.
And, as I have stated before:
I am an emotional perfectionist with an anxiety disorder that is triggered by my imperfections.
All of this has been a struggle lately and, I have also had a sort of cognitive dissonance knowing God was calling me to leave, but worrying that I would be unable to sustain my life. Pretty much seeing my choice as: living with integrity or relying on security.
Today, God took that away. In asking for some flexibility on the job’s part to allow me more time to pursue the path God placed me on, they decided it would be best if they began a transition to let me go. I know it was God, because we worked something out that is good for both of us. I will be able to work for them while they find someone else, but also have the chance to start working on other goals.
The past few weeks, through much prayer and anticipation, I have been learning that as long as I am living with true integrity, true security will follow. The anxiety and questions over my own abilities have been calmed in one reminder that God is in control and has what’s best for them that follow Him (Romans 8:28).
This is a truth that I have known for a while, but I often need a reminder. It is sometimes not enough to just read the words in Romans 8:28-39, I need to see God’s hand working in my life.
Finally, in a friend’s blog, I was reminded that Faith is the core of our identity. As I read this, I realized that with that faith comes a courage to live with great integrity.