If you’ve never experienced it yourself, depression seems like a foreign language. Even if someone close to you has gone through it, you still don’t fully grasp the effect it has on a life.
For nearly 10 years, I struggled with the darkness of depression. The black cloud covered my life, making it nearly impossible to see vibrant color.
It’s a battle I won…but recently discovered why it is so important to keep an eye on yourself if this is something you are pre-disposed to.
For those of you who don’t know what it’s like, I’ll try to describe it. But, you’ll still never fully understand the hell that this darkness put me through.
I would wake up each morning barely able to breathe, feeling like I was literally being suffocated by a life completely out of my control, living as a person that I hated seeing in the mirror.
A sadness deeper than anything else I had ever known was wrapped up inside me so tightly my everything ached. The deepest parts of me were so achy I didn’t think life without ache was possible…it was more than ache, but ache is the closest word I can think to describe it.
Each day would be a small miracle if I could do much more than get out of bed, and often the only thing that got me out of bed was my dedication to those in my life: my mom, my sisters, my few friends.
The overwhelming urge to disappear and never return was something I was no stranger…the thoughts that the world would be a better place without me often flashed before me…what did I even have to offer the world as a lifeless blob?
Now, don’t get me wrong, I accomplished A LOT during that time, but I didn’t fully appreciate any of it until after the 10 year long storm had passed.
I honestly didn’t know how I would live through those days…each day was a miracle. I was often surprised when my eyes opened in the morning and I could take a breath, however shaky. I was often crying; often dragging something across my skin to bleed – just to see if I was still alive.
I wondered if anyone would come and rescue me…and this was while I knew the Light of the World…
Unfortunately, the lie of Depression told me even He didn’t care most of the time.
Thank God, Love stepped in. His death on the cross for me healed me from my battle. He pursued me in love until I had no reason not to respond. He sent others into my life to love me through it all – the very select few that I could trust with all I was. He led me to the right counselors, the right mentors, and the right friends. He rescued me, but I remember clearly where I was…
And I know I must be aware of myself, lest I return back there, like I did a few days ago…
But, I didn’t stay there. I turned the light back on in my life, gave the battle of Depression over to Him, and He rescued me once again.
That is not to say that it’s an easy fix. A 10 year battle is not an easy fix, it didn’t go away overnight. When the darkness is that strong, the only thing strong enough to overtake it is the Love and grace found at the Cross. I may face it again. But, I have a way to fight, and I have a life worth fighting for.
The enemy came to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). If the only way he can stop me from making a difference in the world is to destroy my faith, he will do his best…if that won’t work, and he thinks he needs to kill me, he’ll try that, too. In fact, he did try, and he lost…
This recourse came because I let my guard down right after releasing my novel depicting Christ’s healing power in the matter of depression, and right before a girls’ conference I am speaking and leading worship at. The enemy doesn’t want either event to be a success. Lucky for me, God is in control, in-spite of me or the enemy.
My healing; my success is determined by God.