I haven’t written in a while. My most recent post was at the end of July when I finished up Proverbs.
Even after writing about my own enoughness, I have still in struggled in the weeks since to accept my enoughness.
I have experienced a shift in education/training & my internship. Before, things at school were a struggle, while I was feeling really on top of my game at my internship. Now, however, I am back on top at school.
My internship? Not so much. It has left me wide open with doubts Am I really good at this? Is this all going to turn out ok? Did I make the right decision? …These questions are even harder to answer in an unbiased manner after having two clients decide to stop coming in.
I have little grace or patience for myself when I mess up. And I barely share these weaknesses with anyone…
The internet? sure, most of you are anonymous readers reading a semi-anonymous blog. Most of you don’t know me and I don’t know most of you.
My mom? Of course, she’s the one who knows me best & loves me always.
My best friend? Sometimes. When we find time to connect & when I’m not afraid it will inconvenience her.
The Airman? Not really. You see, being in a new relationship has taught me that I have become so independent & self-reliant and so concerned about inconveniencing anyone that I find it hard to communicate my feelings and needs to another person, a significant person…a male person.
I know I have mentioned before that I am an emotional perfectionist struggling with anxiety that is triggered by my imperfection.
But, I also struggle with letting people in, allowing them to venture past the surface to an authentic relationship. Perhaps out of fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of not being accepted/loved for who I am.
But, probably, in larger part because I have not fully come to accept/love myself for who I am…
Or, even more: I have struggled to fully grasp or understand that God, in all of his wonderful Grace, accepts/loves me just as I am. It baffles me. I don’t understand it. I feel so unworthy.
And yet, His love and grace are there for me, every second of every day of my life. Whether or not anyone else wants to be in my life, whether or not I am pursued by anyone else. He pursues. He loves. He pours out His grace.
All that’s left for me to do, still left for me to do, is learn to live in beautiful acceptance… And to offer myself grace in graceless times.