“God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power & of love
& of a sound mind.”
– 2 Timothy 1:7
I didn’t realize it would be so late when I got this post up, but here I am, 10:45, finally typing it (though I began writing it yesterday…) But, you see, life happened today, so, forgive me.
Yesterday, I had a hard day when it comes to living as the beloved. As I have written before, I have dealt with Anxiety. Recently, it hasn’t been a big issue. Things have been good (I mean, for the most part).
But, yesterday, a crazy thing happened while I was trying to write my post for What does it mean? All of a sudden, my laptop began to spaz. My 9 month old laptop got screwy, and while it happened, it seemed a switch inside of me flipped, and I became gripped with fear… Over my laptop…
I have an iPad, an iPhone, & an ancient PC that is barely clinging to life…but the laptop sent me into a panic, one I don’t experience often (something akin to how I felt one night at Barns & Nobles & again at a worship night).
Though, I did do some quiet time to work on my blog, I spent most of yesterday focused on the fact that I am now single again & overreacting to that fact, plagued once again by the fear that this may be my life state. So, I was doing research all day about dating sites where I could find a particular type of Christian guy… and exhausting my brain.
And, if I wasn’t doing that, I was worrying about the major exam I have coming up this quarter.
Once the laptop began to spaz, that switch in my head flipped – and anxiety set in, I was in panic over everything & had no choice but to carry it to work with me.
On my way to work? A phone call to set up a 2nd interview for a possible new position in the company I work for (a promotion of sorts)…And, my brain added this to the list of things to panic about.
Sitting at work, I began to cry.
My brain began taking everything to the extreme: I’m going to have to come up with a bunch of money to replace my practically new laptop… How am I going to ever be able to get on my own if big financial stuff comes up…and what about the noises in my car?… And, I’m single again. What if no one else comes along? What if I don’t deserve to be with the kind of guy who is passionately pursuing Christ? What if the only guys interested in me are the creepy ones like the old guy who hit on me as he left the gym tonight? Maybe that’s all I deserve… What if I can’t impress the manager & I don’t get this job? Everyone has so much faith in me to get it, they are all so sure it’s mine…
⇑⇑⇑ Yes, folks, as I sat crying at work, this is what my brain was doing on repeat, like a bad song.
Suddenly, all I could do was pray:
This isn’t from God. Clearly, right there in black and white, His word says He does not give me a spirit of fear… So, I prayed. And cried…and what it all came down to? The cry of my deepest heart?
God, I need to know that I will be ok on my own, just You and me…I need reassurance that You will always take care of me…
I didn’t get an answer right away, and after work, I got on a treadmill and ran(/walked) off all of those negatives, as if I was running(/walking) away from the monsters in my head.
And, I continued to pray.
By the end, I was at peace. God had me, always has. No matter what, things will be what they will be, and He will turn all things to my good and His glory.
I have written before about Freedom, what it is verses what it’s not. And, as the Beloved, we are called to be free & walk in freedom.
“it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves
be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”
– Galatians 5:1
Tonight, as I was talking with one of the youth from my church, God brought to mind one of my favorite verses to share with her, and He reminded me that it wasn’t just for her, it’s for me exactly where I am. And for this post, exactly for the readers:
“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men, yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end”
– Ecclesiastes 3:11