Tonight, we had an event at my church, and I went to help out, to serve. But, I didn’t really expect to get anything, I didn’t really expect God to meet me there, but He did.
One of the guests spoke out:
“Someone in here is feeling unloveable, and God thinks that’s laughable.”
Then, I began to cry, because I realized she was talking to me. Even since starting this blog series, I have been feeling unloveable;
I know it’s not true. At church, at school, at work, I am surrounded by people that love me. I know that, but I have a hard time sitting in it, feeling it, believing it.
Tonight as everyone spoke about their callings, where God wanted them, I felt like I had no idea what God wanted from me. I mean, I know what he wants in the long run, but, right now?
As the alter time opened up to just a time of prayer and crying out to God, that’s exactly what I asked Him.
And He responded more clearly then I’ve experienced in a long time.
Right now, I just want you to
My initial response was that I really don’t know how to do that.
Then, I thought of how He has so many others that are better at everything than I am; anything I can do, someone else can do better, so why does He want me? Why create me?
He moved on my heart again, reminding me of my sisters. Both younger than me, both beautiful & talented, with a love for God like few others I have seen. They have so much to offer the world, bring to my family. And I felt Him impress on me:
Imagine how your mom would feel – how angry, how hurt – if you told her that she had all she needed with your sisters. If you asked her “Why do you want me?” That is the same way I feel when you ask Me those questions. I want you…I want you to
I realized, in those moments, that I don’t know how to do that. But, that is what He has called me to right now; I suppose that’s why He impressed this 31 Day blogging challenge on me, and why He manages to equip me to write every day even when I’m sure I have nothing to say.
These posts about being Agapetos may be more for me than anyone, a journal of His amazing love for me. And, along the way, sharing that love with others.
So, even though I’m still not exactly sure how to do what He has called me to do, I am going to settle in it.
I am going to just
“In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name.
May Your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord.”
– Psalm 33:21-22