So, I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus lately…not quite intentional, it’s just that I have so much other stuff with school (graduation in 4 weeks) & starting a new job & trying to keep a “social life”…
But, I work upnights, and as I’ve finished my most pressing homework assignment, and have some things on my mind, I thought I’d write. This is kind of a make-up for several missed #WorkItWednesdays & Lovely Sundays, as well as this week’s Tuesday @ 10. The topic over there is: I’ve Learned That…
It’s been a crazy week and a half. I started a new job, my sleeping schedule is all askew now (yay for overnights)…I have been swamped with school work & catch-up paperwork at my practicum. (does one ever really catch up on paperwork?)
Also, considering my field and where some of the people in my life are at, I have spent a good deal of time this week trying to siphon their happiness from the opinions of others…And, it’s not working.
One friend in particular comes to mind. She’s an amazing young woman, driven, beautiful, hard-working. A huge personality and a smile to match.
Enter, a guy; and, guys can be jerks, and, as women, we tend to take their own stuff on as our own. We can tend to blame ourselves when the guy is the one who is treating us like dirt…
What’s wrong with me? If only I weren’t so intimidating….if only I were slimmer….If only I could be big again…If only I wasn’t so educated…If only I was quieter/louder/taller/shorter/prettier/more/less… Then, he (or they) might like me. I’d have more friends, more opportunities. I wouldn’t be single…
These lists go on and on.
And, to be honest, some of these thoughts are what sometimes drive me to the gym when I would rather be reading or sleeping. Thoughts like these are partially why #WorkItWednesdays is a a thing for me, so I stay motivated.
But, honestly, when I do it for others, I run out of steam sooner, I find that someone, along the way, doesn’t accept me the way I hope, or I just realize I can’t really do this to make others happy, it has to be me.
So, when I do this for me (making better food choices, working out, staying on top of assignments…) I don’t give up as easily, I keep going.
And, you know what happens then?
I find that I actually like myself. It’s amazing. I am comfortable with where I am, because I know I fought to be here.
Through all the rejection, all the pain, all the tears. All the celebrations, milestones, and friendships: I became a more refined me.
This week, an amazing thing happened. More often than not, I was comfortable with who I saw looking back at me from the mirror. I even saw her beauty, her fierce loyalty, her motivation, her determination. I saw her kindness and softness, her bold streak and her courage. I really began to feel like I am really at home here in my skin.
And, the times I went back to being uncomfortable, doubting that the beauty existed? Well, those were the times this week I was tired, discouraged.
It’s when I get all caught up that obviously yet another guy doesn’t want me, and that means no one else ever will. So clearly at 26 years it’s time to pack it in and give up on those dreams… Or, I made a tiny mistake during training, didn’t connect with someone, or forgot to do a note, so obviously I am going to be terrible in this field…
It’s times I was over-thinking things & dwelling on things my mind had no business dwelling on. When I allow myself to be swayed by negative voices telling me all the things they try to tell me, believing they must be true (when, really, none of them are)…
During these times, the comfort leaves & I once again wonder who this is that’s looking back at me from the mirror…
But, what I’ve learned this week?
No matter what, if a guy doesn’t want to pursue a relationship with me, my value as a person doesn’t decrease. The amazing things I have to offer someone will (hopefully) one day be recognized by someone who is worthy, and until then, I reserve the right to respect for myself, from myself and others.
And, finding grace for myself in these early days of career-dom… I’m still a novice, a student, learning and growing each day. It only gets better from here.
Most importantly, though, I’ve learned: I am just enough as I am…I am my own best motivation. I really can love myself now, and any attempt to improve myself, push myself, and/or open myself up doesn’t cheapen that.
“For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” – Ephesians 2:10