I am what one may classify as “boy crazy”…I have been pretty much since 5th grade (maybe earlier, but that’s my first real recollection).
Before that, I did have a “boyfriend” in Kindergarten. We swore we were going to marry each other. (Obviously, not.) Back then, I don’t really recall having a “crush” on him, but he was my best friend. And, that’s what a boyfriend is, right?
Fast forward to the middle school years. The boy crazy hit hard.
I liked a few guys. But, two boys came into my life and made a huge impression.
One was one of my best friends. He had my heart, but, he didn’t return the feelings. Obviously, as his friend, I knew when he had a girlfriend, and when he didn’t. Here’s the thing: he knew. He knew, but the feelings weren’t mutual. There was great value in that friendship for us both. But, my heart hurt. When he moved away, that was the first time I’d really felt the heart break. And, beneath it, the sting of rejection.
The other boy that came into my life in junior high was the boy I had a crush on all through High School. An amazing faith that couldn’t be shaken, super nice to everyone, and he was cute. I even got the courage to ask him to my senior prom. He was sweet about it, but, we didn’t go together. The rejection was so smooth, it almost wasn’t.
Actually, during High School, I faced a lot of rejection in many forms: a boy who stopped talking to me in 9th grade after I sent him a candy-gram…a boy who called me “Card Girl” for most of tenth grade, because even though we had gone to school together since elementary school, the descriptor was easier to remember than my name…a boy who didn’t go to banquet with me.
In college, I stopped putting my heart out there. I tried to show that I was interested (and, honestly, for me, it’s nearly impossible to hide), but I stopped being as bold as I was in high school. And, here I found myself in the dreaded “friend zone” again – one even going so far as to use me & one to lie to me, leaving me feeling empty & embarrassed.
I wear my heart on my sleeve – It’s just something I do, which leaves me vulnerable.
Outside of boys, there have been many rejections: dream schools, good jobs, parties I wasn’t invited to, cliques I’ve been excluded from, friends who have faded or walked away. It’s all hard.
But, I learned a long time ago that these events have no bearing on my worth.
I remember these stories so well because they left an impression on my heart.
I have been changed. I have grown. I have become who I am through each encounter.
Yet, not one of these rejections determines my worth. Only my Abba can determine my worth. He’s the one who created me, the one who placed my dreams and desires in my heart. Was with me for every tear cried.
He’s the one who has used each event to teach me, to add to my worth – becoming who I am meant to be.
The friend who moved away? He taught me that friendship is more valuable than a passing crush.
My senior prom? It was a blast. I danced with my best friend, and not having a date meant I got to be there for a friend who was having a rough night. And the boy who said no? We’re still friends, and his wife? She’s absolutely perfect for him. See, God really does know what he’s doing.
The lying? The getting used? And, even the “card girl” incident? These all taught me strength, to learn to stand up for myself. That I am worth much more than this treatment.
That friend that I helped out at prom? She just got married. She was stunning in her dress. I am so pleased I got to share the day with her. But, it means I am the last woman standing.
Out of my close circle of friends, I am literally the last one never married. Most of them are also 1-2 kids into their families. But me? My story is different. Nearly 10 years out of High School, and still what I get are mostly ‘no’s.
Last woman standing is a strange feeling.
Yet, my story is richer from each rejection. And, not one of them has taken away from the value my Creator has placed on me.
My worth is from Him alone:
“I praise You, because I am fearfully & wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
“Charm is deceptive & beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” – Psalm 31:30
“For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
– Ephesians 2:10
[If you’re wondering – yes, I do still have boy crazy tendencies – but they usually end up focused long-term on one person at a time, and mostly on those who have no interest in me at all… Story of my life, I suppose… for now]
~ Really, this is more about feeling at home with yourself, having confidence in your worth, more than “finding home” as we may typically believe. But, being able to know your worth & love yourself as His child is so much a part of feeling at home here on this planet while we await His return ♥